Gooday to you splendid specimens. I’m back, briefly, to provide some particulars I have prepared for you. Now unless you’ve been living under a rock, Outer Mongolia or North Korea, which incidentally are all in similar stature of anomaly abodes, then you’ll be fully aware of the putrid pandemic attempting to wipe out our globe. I’m going to do my level best at attempting to spread smiles on faces by splashing my creative juices all over my iPhones notes app. Now don’t get all dirty minded you filthy animals, for this edition, the tenth of the series, I’m simply going to pen a special edition of all Beachboy related blather. Consider this my valedictory address till the top brass sound the season starters klaxon.
So let me begin by suggesting we all owe a great deal of gratitude towards the wonderful and selfless sea of staff who make up our great nations national health service and the hundreds of thousands of key workers who’ve contributed with their continuous calling in keeping our country on the tricky and narrow path to recovery during some of the most testing times in recent history. These heroic people proving themselves amongst the most precious of our kind, and without whom we’d most certainly be facing a frighteningly unprecedented future.
Thank you to each and every one of you for your service, from each and every one of us at Concord Rangers FC. Just a thought, maybe they could replace the Thursday evening clapathon with a national doorstep rendition of Enrique Iglesias’ “I can be your hero baby” for a little more authenticity. Was that a no? Ahh okay, no dramas.
I am incredibly proud to present to you and would like to formally announce the founding of the inaugural season finale, Juniors Dribble of the year awards *rapturous applauds*. I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that these JDOTY gongs will be held in the most illustrious of lights by the fortunate few on the receiving end. I can just picture it now… a glass sculpture, life size, of my face in caricature form (think Parisian riverside satirical artist), with the most convincing look of a window licker seeping saliva all over the copper placement plaque adorning the name of the beholder. That’s got pride of place atop ones mantlepiece written all over it.
Any-who, I digress. So let’s get straight on down to business.
The Best Ginge is a special award, and this one belongs to a brilliant young man we’ve nurtured albeit his need to reduce the wet behind his ears. His gullibility shone brightly through when he was duped into believing that the single sell out matchday programme of the season just so happened to be the edition embellished by Don Danny Scopes cueing a little laughter. Congratulations Euan Rourke, you are a winner.
Next up is the Dummy Spit of the season. As you can imagine, this title is well contested in terms of volume but nobody came close to the quality our very own Lewis Pack produced with hashbrowngate in what proved to be a truly remarkable and memorable meltdown. [Refer to JD E5].
Bow to the crowd sir, well bloody played.
We will now turn our attention to the Supporter of the season. Boasting the backing of a Sunday league outfit, makes this award a damn sight simpler to sift out. However this man has made incredible sacrifice in order to support his side having stretched out over 2350
miles for his love of the Beachboys. You’d be hard pushed to find a more loyal and dedicated disciple. I mean even Jesus couldn’t keep his keen. The Concord Rangers Supporter of the season, Rich Bull.
We’ll conclude these awards with the only genuine accolade our club conjured up for the 2019/20 season which is the Supporters Player of the year. Three young men were in the hunt for this but the winner turned out with a landslide victory in the end. A string of inspirational performances sat firmly in the minds of our patrons who chose Chris Haigh as CRFC Supporters Player of the year. Congratulations Haighy, you had a incredible season with us and we’re very proud to call you our Number 1.
Fancy a highlights montage next..? Of course you bloody do. The 2019/20 term turned out to be as tumultuous as per the norm in the realm of the Beachboy. We ploughed on into the season akin to Toby at dinner time, setting the pace as the rest in attendance jockeyed to keep up before indigestion inevitably struck, thwarting our impressive early progress on the table having churned through Oxford, Chelmsford and Slough to then go 4 without a win.
You see the trouble is then your bowel movements become a little unpredictable, such was our form, with days of plain sailing (W3-0 v Welling) earning the bravery to can the Imodium tablets just as Delhi belly boots you back to the bog (L3-1 v Margate).
A little pick-me-up perked us with the sweet swat of the Ladbrokes loyalty card holder’s Hemel (W3-1), turned in timely fashion towards Trophy tightrope test number one. Slithering past Slough saw us tip toe into the next round (D0-0) & (W3-2r), before dazzling December spun us to dizzying heights winning six in six. Cherry picking two succulent beauties at years end, saw us complete a comeback victory Rocky himself would’ve been proud of on the plastic plain of Kent (W3-2 v Maidstone), before bulldozing through the bank of Billericay (W4-1) to offer the tasty toasting tipple at New Years, cheers.
A tick tock of the clock, dawn of the decade and league form paled into insignificance as all eyes were on the tremendous Trophy trot.
Opportunity knocked in the battle of Bath, which our soldiers grasped with both feet, their Churchillian effort penning fresh ink into our Trophy history book (D0-0), (P-Px2) & (W2-1r). By now the Concord crescendo was building beautifully as we entered the proverbial business end of the season, our starlets sprinkling their magic dust in dumping the county Town charlatans out the ESC (W2-0 v Chelmsford), always a satisfying spectacle. FAT round of 16 beckoned when the Brakes bounded Beachboy territory, but were left broken and in need of an MOT. Coconut sized cojones come up trumps in a intoxicating, nerve jangling shootout scoop (D2-2 v Leamington W4-3p). Dreams were running wild at this point, as cloud 9 felt so close we could almost reach out and touch it. We weren’t to know it but floating around in fairyland was about to feel ever so real when Royston rolled up.
Pure emotion spilled out all over our patchwork quilt of a pitch, having witnessed breathtaking beauty unfold right before our very eyes. A remarkable, Herculean and heroic effort placed the little pub team from Essex one hurdle from the hallowed turf. (W2-1).
Prematurely thwarted was the world of football when the catastrophic covid ripped its way west with us left to ponder the potentials of our near future. Halesowen were the ball we matched from the hat to contest a final frolic as the VNLS festivities fell foul to the vile virus.
Posterior placed where we were dumped back in March, with uncertainty looming large over the world I’d like to shed some prudent positivity on our future for you wonderful people.
As of moi typing this tosh, our club secretary and chairman had correspondence from our league and the FA. Government guidelines have been issued and instructed clubs to be prepared for a September start with regards to non-league football, with crowds present, albeit at a potentially restricted capacity. The FA are liaising with all stakeholders and are looking at potential dates with regards to completion of the Vase and Trophy cup competitions. Fingers remain firmly crossed for the opportunity to realise childhood dreams stands intact and as of now, the noise we hear is promising.
Onto the subject of retention and recruitment, I believe it’s fair to say dreary Mr Drew has done a rather splendid job to date with his tireless pestering proving rather productive. For those of you who may have missed our tirade of twitterverse teasers, we’ve thus far managed to cop the services of Chris Haigh, Aron Pollock, James Blanchfield, Billy Roast, Temi Babalola and Ryan Scott from our existing crop of craftsmen whilst Danny Green makes the step into a player coaching roll. A trio of youth team starlets sign first team papers with Alex Hernandez, Ben Search and Archie McFadden all looking to fast forward their fledgling careers. We’ve also enlisted the helpful heads and familiar faces of Sam Blackman, Alex Wall, Tosan Popo, Frazer Shaw, Chris Millar and Tyrone Sterling, who’ll add tremendously to our array of talent at our disposal. Young Basque boy Odei Martin has added to the arsenal from our annual Heybridge harvest pickings. Radar waves indicate there maybe room for one or two additional pairs of artisan tootsies, so still time yet for a little transfer window wand work.
If we manage to use the loan market as successfully as last term, one is led to believe we’d all be in for a right treat.
Shall we take a little stroll down small success street now? The beauty of adopting a precise purse string strategy yields the opportunity to procure excess cash reserves to reinvest in our football clubs facilities.
During downtime, productive people have been at play and boy oh boy did they make a difference. The behemoth of benefits includes a new professional standard pitch irrigation system putting a end to the countless man hours of yesteryear spent spreading nourishment to boasting the capability simply by a swipe of the old dog n bone. Amazing how far a cup and string have come. Agricultural aesthetics were then applied to the surface with coring, scalping, reseeding and feeding much to the delight of us grass growing nerds… carpet pending. Dugouts have literally been dug out, sunk down into the ground to provide pinnacle viewing from our recently erected east side stand. A new bricks and mortar build little boys and girls room is under construction tucking in behind our shed end for those of you who like a leak. Our Groundsman with his trusty steed in tandem revitalised and reinvigorated the mini soccer surface in preparation for our teams of tots to enjoy whilst upgrades were made to the main stand ‘media suite’, complete with a hard wired permanent WiFi access point, I gif you not. I apologise, that was shocking. Byte me. Alright, no more. Into the clubhouse we venture and you’ll find a refitted disabled loo with the distinct whiff of blue gloss, cheers Dad. Sweethearted Mrs Sisley meanwhile has morphed into a lean mean painting, dancing and tone deaf singing machine as the local feline population would testify. I knew we’d benefit from them Dulux shares one day.
Well there we go. I hope you’re all happy now, joie de vivre restored to month of March magnitude, with a spring in your step, ready to go out and take on the world again.
I’m going to leave you all with one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite role models.
“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it – then I can achieve it”.
I think we all know what I’m referring to.
Till we meet again, peace out.